Monday, September 18, 2006
Weird. Something threw me off balance. I was actually on my way to a better life. But somehow, something made me turn back and walk in the opposite direction.
i thought so,so it was jack
You know, when for a very long time, all i've been was a failure, a nobody, and all i could do was to depend on some people for my lousy life.
I wanted to do something for myself, i did.
And life was supposed to get better, yes, but unfortunately people started seeing me as a threat
Where is the helpless little girl?
I want to put all these behind me, dear blog, but ....
But i am not very sure of my real intentions. I mean, do i really start to hate myself for loving jack cos of akai?
Or is it because jack seems as a threat? Someone who i could never go far with? A living picture of an illusion?
I do suppose i do wanna run away from jack cos if i don't spend enough time with him, he'll start to sulk. And when people sulk i let them sulk, i dont like to comfort people with lies.
This is why we broke up. And seems like we both havent been making enough effort to solve this, cos its been months, darling, and though we may seem as though we're getting closer, i'm in fact drifting apart further inside
I was naive, i thought jack was my savior, the person who would take care of me, someone for me to depend on, someone i would most certainly grow old with.
But.. unless we both can STOP depending on each other so much, we cannot go further than good friends.
I realized, the fact that he loves me, and the way he gently touched my heart made me fall for him
And the poor little me with a whole bucket full of problems, sigh
Many guys want to protect and 'save' me, but the thing is, i need to get up myself. That doesnt mean i aint supposed to ask for help, but rather, to stop wishing that someone would just come by and everything will be fine.
I am learning. A lot.
And i realized, that unless jack lets go and vice versa, i will not be able to progress in life. I will just be this girl, forever full of problems, always job hopping, always failing in everything...
Never growing up
It's time.
And i must not fear. I am human, i fear that if i give up jack, i am venturing into new unknown land, and that if i fail, i have no more jack to go back to.
But, i need to learn to depend on myself.
It's a monday, and i have work to complete.
I need to redo my priorities.
1) Work
2) Money
3) Love
4) Job @ spins
I wrote this without thinking much. Sigh. I don't know...
I know that although i really need money, love is always on the top...
Just cos he said he might take care of me, i took it for real, its like, a life saver float thrown unto me.
I've been fighting all my life, and i seldom win cos i refuse to ask for help when i need it. Maybe i've gotten tired, and just wanna smell the roses.
But seriously speaking, i have no finanical means. Money is everything, it's the root of all my problems. The lack of it, that is.
Okay... 3pm le.. i only got barely 6 hours to complete my work.
I love you, jack,
and though it hurts me whenever i try to distance myself frm you,
cos im struggling to move on from you
but ure not just a stepping stone, not just a pet..
i...
just wanna live..
2:48 PM
